DeSanti

Some of you know that Dad was stationed at the same base in Japan as me. Atsugi was cool and just beyond the barracks is a small park. Dad was a small guy when he was in the navy too, around 135 lbs. just like me.
Dad was at a picnic at the park with some of his buddies. One of them was a guy named DeSanti, he was a muscle bound guy..short and so stocky that he couldn't hardly put his arms down to his side. DeSanti liked to push his weight around and picked on guys all the time, typical bully. So DeSanti was acting like an ass and picking on a little fat guy that was a friend of Dad's. Dad told him to leave him alone so DeSanti focused in on Dad. He said, "I'll take you up in these woods and whoop your ass Tom." Dad told him, "Let's go!"
So on the way into the woods DeSanti started telling Dad,  "If you tell everybody I whipped your butt, I'll let you out of this." Dad kept walking and figured DeSanti was just trying to get out of the fight. Anyway they got into the woods and Dad started popping him about the head and face. DeSanti was so stocky that he was slow as hell. Dad just steadily hit him anytime he wanted. When they were both out of breath Dad told him, "Now you leave me and my friends alone DeSanti!" Dad went back down the hill and rejoined the party. He sat down and cracked open a cold one, when somebody yelled, "Look out Tom, here comes DeSanti!" He turned around just in time to knock DeSanti out cold. After that day, DeSanti couldn't pick on anybody anymore, everyone knew that he wasn't as tough as he looked. You should hear my Dad tell this story...He gets all excited and laughs his ass off.

Kill him George, KILL HIM!

Dad's friend George and his wife Mary had a big party. Skipper and the boys were there, Russell and Tom too. Russell had brought his brand new pickup truck and Mary was admiring it. Russell had talked John and Shawn into getting in the pickup and playing a prank on Mary. So Russell was telling Mary about all the new stuff that his truck had...including speech recognition. Mary was amazed and kept asking more about the truck. So Russell decided to show her his remotely controlled truck. He shouted, "Truck...Start!" To Mary's amazement the truck just cranked right up. Russell shouted again, "Truck...Pull Forward!" and the truck inched up just a bit. He yelled, "Truck..STOP!" Mary watched intently and it did indeed stop. She was ecstatic....until the boys got out of the truck. She turned to George and screamed, "Kill him George!!! Kill him!!" She literally told George to shoot Russell.

Spooked

We have a friend named Russell near Waco. Russell is a big guy but he gets scared easily. John and Shawn Herring kept the guy a nervous wreck from pulling pranks on him. There's more stories coming including Russell. Anyway Dad, Russell and Uncle Skip were at the deer lease again and Russell was making coffee. Dad slipped in the door, walked up behind him and said "What are you doing?" Russell jumped, started screaming and running. He ran through two doors knocking them off the hinges as he made his way to the back of the trailer. Both doors opened in the opposite direction from whence he came. He was peeking back down the hall to see what happened and Uncle Skip was in bed right behind him. Uncle Skip wanted to reach over and grab him but he was afraid Russell might tear up the rest of the trailer on the way out. We tease Russell about that to this day.

Driving Miss Glenda

Tom was traveling to a job with my Aunt Glenda in the truck. Uncle Richard was in his own van headed for Waco. They were pulling a 32 foot goose neck camper as well. Tom decided to stop for butane and pulled off the highway. Both vehicles stopped but Uncle Richard went on because he didn't need butane in his van.  Richard went back the way he came because he knew the frontage road was under construction. After topping off his tanks, Tom pulled out of the station. Tom was driving and started to speed up the frontage road to enter the highway again. He topped a hill at around 60 mph. Just as they topped the hill they were greeted by a huge pile of gravel on the frontage road....the road wasn't completed yet. With no time to react they braced for impact with white knuckles. The truck hit the gravel and sailed into the air, with the camper in tow! When they landed it was mayhem....the truck was fine but the camper was pretty messed up. The fenders on the camper were falling off but amazingly the camper stayed attached to the truck and was drivable. As soon as they were able to get stopped Aunt Glenda grabbed a beer and downed it. Aunt Glenda said "If we get to Waco, I'll never ride in the truck with you again Thomas!" They were able to make it to the jobsite and Tom didn't have any passengers on the return trip.

Legendary

Turtle neck

Tom was camping with some friends in Illinois and they were all getting drunk in the camp. Tom had caught a huge snapping turtle that night on the way back to camp from the bar. He was carrying the turtle and somebody told him to put the turtle donw because they have long necks and can bite. He said, "Oh he wouldn't hurt anybody" then leaned over and kissed the turtle on the back of the head.  The guy was astounded and said "Hey everybody, Tom just kissed that turtle on the head!" Lots of laughing ensued but some didn't believe him...So Tom being drunk decided he would prove it again. He kissed the turtle and this time IT KISSED BACK! He had to pull his lip away and had a huge indention and gash where the turtle had caught hold.

Moral of the story: Don't go kissing snapping turtles, their bite is worse than their bark.

Flathead

When Tom was a little kid, he was racing his cousins home on a  bicycle and crashed. Unfortunately he fell under a gravel truck and had his head partially crushed. To this day, he has a huge scar down the side of his face and was told that part of his brains were on the pavement. He was rushed to the hospital and the doctors went into action. The doctor, Boyd Alexander, called Granny with bad news...He said, "We don't think he's going to make it."

Thomas replied, "I'll outlive YOU doc!"

Propane Tom

My Dad bought a nice motorhome to use at the deer lease. He and his cousin Wilburn pulled the heater out of it and took it to the shop to be repaired. They got back to the lease and called it a night. The next morning they got up and Tom was in the motorhome by himself. He did as normal and started making coffee. He turned on the burner and rinsed the coffee pot out. Just as he got to the door to throw out the rinse water....BOOM!

He was hit in the back with the closet door and he was blown out the door of the camper. He still had the coffee pot in his hand and before he hit the ground he threw it so he could brace for impact. He was blown 20 feet out of the camper and was burned on his back and neck. His head sustained a gash from hitting the door on the way out but other than that..he was fine.

The camper was NOT so lucky. Before the blast it was a boxy looking camper..afterwards it was rounded off like an Airstream. The sides were blown off the frame and were no longer attached. The windows were blown out as well. That's how he came to be known as Propane Tom.

Convincingly crazy

After they were married for awhile my Mom decided to make Dad think that she was nuts. She would pull little stunts and act like she didn't know any better. He asked her to sew a new button on his pants as he had lost the button, she obliged and went to work on them. After diligent work, she gave them back to him when she finished. He tried putting them on, but she had sewn a huge coat button on. He just shook his head in disbelief. 
She decided to take it a step further and sewed all the leg holes shut on his underwear. She still laughs about seeing a one armed man hopping around in circles trying to put his underwear on.

Jimmy Johnson wannabe

Tom and I went deer hunting near Burnet Texas for several years. We would leave early sometimes and stop at the bar on the way to the deer lease. The roads leading to the lease were treacherous with curves, cattle guards and gates. As most people know, Tom has a penchant for driving too fast. He had his license suspended for a year for getting 23 speeding tickets in one year. They busted him as a "habitual violator". At the time he drove a '79 Chevy dually extended cab pickup with a monster 454 motor that ran like a scalded dog. So on the way to the lease we stop at the bar for a few rounds. One thing leads to another and we were there until closing time. Tom asks for one for the road and says "let's go!" So here we are, both drunk as skunks and heading to the lease. He's driving with his knees, smoking a cigarette, holding his drink and doing 75 mph on curvy dirt roads. The cattle guards had less than six inches clearance and he's jumping through them doing over 70. We got there without a scratch but it sure was a scary ride.

C-block

About 10 years ago, Tom, Skipper and I were out on the town at Mary's Cantina in Bastrop Texas. We were playing pool and ruling the table that night and we were getting pretty lit from all the beers we had won. We were staying out on the Colorado river at Skipper's friend Marvin's place. As I said, we were getting pretty drunk and it was almost closing time. I spotted a cute blonde that had been watching the pool games and went and asked her to dance.  We danced the last few songs and had a blast. I asked her if she wanted to join us out at the river and she said "Sure thing!" So, she was gathering her things as they called last call and I went and told Tom and Skipper that I had a guest coming with us. Then I made a big mistake...I went to the bathroom before we left. I returned from the restroom and the girl was going out the door. I found Tom and Skipper laughing by the pool table. I said, "What happened?" Tom had told her "You're too damned fat to go to the river with my boy!" Gee thanks Dad!

Rex the wonderdog

As a child, Tomjtexas had a large German Shepherd dog named Rex. He would meet Tom at the bus stop everyday after school. Rex was also a racist dog and he wouldn't allow colored people near their home. Black people who walked down the road would get a half mile away and walk out into the muddy fields to go around Rex. It didn't matter if they were carrying groceries or anything, they always avoided Rex.
Tom was down by the river one day and accidently fell into the water. The current was racing and Tom was swept out and couldn't manage to swim to shore. Rex dove into the water, swam to Tom and paddled hard to get Tom back to shore. If it weren't for Rex, Tom wouldn't have made it. He still talks with admiration for that dog.